Kintsugi

You said I let you get away
with things
and that’s what can turn kindness bad.
I would apologise,
but love is the soft parts of us.
*
There is a Japanese word to describe
the sense a person has upon meeting
another person that future love between them is inevitable.
This is not the same as love at first sight.
For example,
your smell was never unfamiliar.
*
You noticed
my veins
which are blue and desperate
to find each other.
There is a German word
to describe the blue of veins,
which is also grey metal and green
and the colour of haunted houses.
*
There is a Japanese word meaning
to repair broken pottery with gold.
*
The sky is darkening.
How to explain the sadness
I feel in the dark, which is a sadness
inextricable from the darkness.
A sadness specific to the cold.
Dark-sorrow,
when the bed is an iceberg at sea without you.
*
Of course your preferences present
themselves quietly in the layout
of the kitchen. The few things you placed
are shadowy objects at
the edges of a Renaissance painting,
waiting to catch the light
when I’m weak.
*
There is a Cheyenne word for the act
of preparing your mouth to speak.
When I ready mine now
it tastes like metal,
food is unpleasant to chew.
*
I look at my cactus
and even its refusal to grow alone
is nature’s unwavering bell clanging out
when I’m trying to sleep
in the afternoon.
*
The feeling of remembered love
is so easy to put in the oven and heat up.
It’s your hair I long for
when my hands are empty.

 

Untitled

As glass
from the moment it is born
knows this shade of grey
the uncertain light that catches it

so your hands
knew in advance
they were the scales that weighed
the fullest of our hours.

The Lie

As was my custom, I’d risen a full hour
before the house had woken to make sure
that everything was in order with The Lie,
his drip changed and his shackles all secure.

I was by then so practiced in this chore
I’d counted maybe sixteen weeks or more
since last I’d felt the urge to meet his eye.
Such, I liked to think, was our rapport.

I was at full stretch to test some ligature
when I must have caught a ragged thread, and tore
his gag away; though as he made no cry,
I kept on with my checking as before.

Why do you call me The Lie? he said. I swore:
it was a child’s voice. I looked up from the floor.
The dark had turned his eyes to milk and sky
and his arms and legs were all one scarlet sore.

He was a boy of maybe three or four.
His straps and chains were all the things he wore.
Knowing I could make him no reply
I took the gag before he could say more

and put it back as tight as it would tie
and locked the door and locked the door and locked the door.

– Don Paterson (adapted)

Something

You asked if I could bring you something.
I looked around the room, I racked myself,
for something, to give, and meaningful –
I’m used to aiming high and thinking big.

You said, like yearning and possessing,
like thoughts and words, feeling and words, the moon,
compared to Jupiter, from here, up there,
antipodes aren’t always compatible.

I understood the things you said –
the way that symbols can outweigh the thing
that carries them, how symptoms can’t escape
their cause – but somewhere in between your

request and my response
I saw some things are incomparable,
the planets and the stars, nothing and everything,
a look deflected, one that penetrates,

feelings and words, what I would give, what you
would have, that some things stop at what they are.

Missing Persons Bureau

I came here to find my father
but the faces on the wall are not my father’s.

I show the interviewer letters, bills, a bank statement,
he shuffles forms. How long since you saw your father?

Twenty nine years. He takes off his glasses, puts down his pen.
What kind of son waits so long to find his father?

This man must be dutiful. Christmases and outings,
walks every Sunday to please his father.

But I’m not going to leave. I might still find him –
filed away, name forgotten, waiting to be my father.

Departure

The night isn’t dark but my world is dark,
Stay with me a little longer.

Your hands on the back of my hands –
that’s what I’ll remember.
Before that, lightly stroking my jaw.
Like a woman training herself to love me.

In the other room, the ghosts of our pasts
putting out the light we live by.

Your hands on a chair perhaps, stroking
my body and the wood in exactly the same way.
Like a woman who wants to feel longing again,
who prizes longing.

And then, you are holding me because we are going away –
these are statements we are making,

not questions needing answers.

How can I know you love me
if I cannot see you grieve over me?